


Of Self Sabotage and Epiphanies

by Vilindeer



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25582096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilindeer/pseuds/Vilindeer
Summary: What would have happened if Zoey could find it in herself to answer Max when he confronts her about her heartsongs?Also known as the moment our protagonist actually listens to The Universe and sees her glitch as what it really is.
Relationships: Zoey Clarke/Max Richman
Comments: 32
Kudos: 34





	Of Self Sabotage and Epiphanies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AubreyRichman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AubreyRichman/gifts), [TheAuthor44](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAuthor44/gifts).



> This is a monster born out of self indulgence and the support of friends that I will never deserve.  
> AubreyRichman and TheAuthor44 you know I can't thank you enough.This story wouldn't exist without you .Adoro-vos amigas 💛💙❣  
> English is not my first language,so if you find any mistakes feel free to let me know (I honestly doubt it because my betas are the absolute BEST).  
> Special shout out to everyone on discord.Your minds are a thing of beauty my darlings.😘  
> The song that inspired this was "I choose you" by Alessia Cara  
> "All of my life  
> I thought I was right  
> Looking for something new  
> Stuck in my ways  
> Like old-fashioned days  
> But all the roads led me to you(...)  
> There's no need for goodbyes, now I'm seeing the light  
> When the sky turns to grey and there's nothing to say  
> At the end of the day, I choose you  
> Now I found the strength  
> To make a change" 🎶🎶  
> Enough rambling on to the story we go.

Zoey felt her panic raise to new heights while she chased after Max. Admittedly, her day had not started well and the universe seemed keen on making things worse by the second. Rationally, she knew there was some lesson to be learned with this twist on her powers, but between her dad's condition progressing at an alarming rate plus the whole singing at very inopportune moments ordeal, she was becoming less and less interested in learning why and more interested in fixing it. And fast.

It was imperative that she find a way to resolve the mess that singing (and dancing in an embarrassingly intimate way that was making her cringe so much, she wished she could run to Indonesia) to Simon just now, had put her in.

She found herself coming to a halt when she caught sight of Max sitting on a bench in a hallway. He looked defeated; there really wasn’t any other word for it. His head was down and his spirit seemed to follow. Well, it was time to reach out to the man that always held her hand and carried her burdens with her. Or it would be, if he wasn’t making it abundantly clear he wasn’t ready to talk to her, or be near her in general. But Zoey decided to power through anyway.

As he responded to her questioning, his normally soulful eyes filled with a fire that seemed to hold swords where she would normally see flowers. Anger where she would usually spot hope.

How was it that she always managed to ruin it with Max?

He was always there. The north to her very confused star, the rock to her very unstable moods and feelings, and yet she kept finding herself hurting him time and time again.

All her thoughts came to a standstill when he uttered his next sentence.

“Then you wouldn't sing to which one of us, your best friend or the morally questionable, totally engaged guy?”

If she was to be at least a bit honest with herself, the only song she didn't immediately regret singing, (at least for now, God knows what the Universe still had in store for her on this endless cursed day) was the one to her benevolent best friend.

It was a simple and undeniable truth: she was his. Her trust was his, her respect and admiration were his, but what else had that song uncovered that also belonged to the guy whose loyalty and smile never wavered?

That brought her back to the present. What was she going to say to him?

He saw what he saw; she couldn't just insult his intelligence and deny it or spin the facts.

“I am just as surprised as you are that I sang to Simon. I had no idea those words were about to come out of my mouth.” 

Actually, she was way more surprised about the content of the song. If she were to closely analyze the lyrics in a logical way, it sounded like some shallow sexual attraction. But that couldn’t be all there was in there, right? Right? They had a connection, right? All these questions were making her head spin. Her powers were messing with her, that was it! It had to be…

“That's great, Zoey. Blame the powers again.”

Yeah, Max wasn’t her best friend for nothing. The way he seemed to always be in tune with her thoughts was as scary as it was comforting. Max wasn’t willing to give her time to figure out which one of the two prevailed right now, if the way he was heading towards the men's bathroom was any indication. 

Following, she called his name. Though, that was a complete waste of time and energy, she wasn't about to give up, they had to talk. 

Determined to end all the nonsense that she seemed to be attracting lately (talk about a mess magnet) she walked into the restroom after Max. It was time to put things into perspective, and let the other coder know she had no idea all those pesky emotions were there just waiting to emerge, drowning any hopes she might have had of some normalcy after the freaking Universe decided she would be a great choice to fulfill the role of some stupid musical telepath. Spoiler alert: the Universe was wrong!

In order to do that, she adopted her usual battle stance, crossed her arms across her chest and stood her ground.

For the first time since she could remember, the other man didn’t seem willing to cave or to try and understand her side. On the contrary actually, he seemed ready to demolish her plan with precise blows aimed to take her walls crumbling down with it.

Another thing that appeared to be crumbling was any esteem Max might have ever held for her.

“You sang two heart songs today, Zoey. That's what they're called, right? And while one song told you that you want Simon to want you, the other one told you that I'm yours. One song is about attraction. The other one's about love. Personally, I would choose love, but I guess you're gonna make up your own mind.” He declared as if that was not already obvious but, the thought of someone choosing any other possibility hurted him profoundly.

“'It's not that simple, Max” she retorted dismissively. 

Apparently, Zoey had struck a nerve with that particular combination of words because the guy she would swear she knew like the back of her hand, suddenly adopted an almost towering stance over her. The power emanating from him shocked her so much she took a step back, almost unconsciously. His eyes got colder, his jaw tightened,and his demeanor hardened.

“You know what is not that simple, Zoey? How my best friend became someone whose only form of communication seems to be lies, omissions and half truths. Apparently, you are incapable of being coherent for 5 minutes. One moment, I am too important to lose and the other I have lost the right to even know what is going on in your life. I keep finding things out when you’ve burned everything to the ground over and over again. So, I am sorry if I am being too simplistic. It’s probably because I don't have all the facts again.”

He took a step forward and continued to close in on her - both her physical body and flaws.

“It's funny, you say you don't want things to change and yet you are the one that keeps changing our dynamic, our bond, and I am supposed to nod and agree? You know what? Maybe it’s time we clarify some things. First, I am not mad at you for singing.”

He wasn't? Then what was the problem?

“Actually, mad is not even the right word for it. I am hurt and disappointed, but not because you sang to Simon. You can't control your feelings for him anymore then I can control mine for you.”

The verbal reminder of how he felt about her sparked a warmth inside of Zoey.

“I am sad that you would choose to pursue that, sure I am your friend it's kind of expected, but at the end of the day you can pursue whatever and whoever you want. What gets me, what cuts into me...” He was getting closer and closer, and her heart was getting uncomfortable in her chest with every inch of his growing proximity. God, had he always been this tall? “What makes me feel this way is your recent, and alarmingly frequent, lack of loyalty and respect for me. You hide your powers from me, you set me up to get me off your back like I am some unwanted plague. And then, you use your powers as an excuse when I tell you I love you. Would you have ever told me otherwise, Zoey?”

She would have of course she would have. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Mo seemed to whisper in her mind  _ 'why haven't you then, Zobear?'. _

Max's fire seemed to have been put out and in its place was a despondency, which was so unlike him, that it seemed to have taken over. This was worse somehow. His shoulders slacked and his voice cracked when he announced.

“I have no idea what you want and I am giving up trying to find out “ Max’s tone was final, he was ready to leave. And not just the room, or the conversation, but her life.

The thought of living without Max horrified her. Her body jumped to attention and she found herself grasping the arms of his shirt almost violently. Max just stood there, shoulders hunched as though he was holding his breath, confused puppy eyes full on display Zoey found it awfully endearing, especially because she remembered how confidently he had made a stand just now.

Just the thought of having to get used to a life lacking his goofy smile, his nervous rants, his unwavering support and those unbearably sweet puppy eyes was unendurable.

Suddenly it hit her, losing him is not an option.

Wasn’t the joy and growth he brought, and continued to bring into her life worth the possibility of getting hurt? The answer reached Zoey peacefully, irrevocably, and permanently like the love of the man facing her. So she allowed herself to jump. After all, falling is effortless when the one that always catches you is at the bottom; waiting for you with arms wide open.

The redhead let her fingers deliberately brush against Max’s elbow, as she raised her eyes into the warm brown ones that have been welcoming her for half a decade, feeling the richness of the material of his shirt beneath her touch, mentally assessing the weight and feel of it resting in her fingers. It’s incredibly soft and it stretches around his arms in an eye-catching way.

Almost unconsciously, Zoey lets her hands roam up his arms, the heat of his skin pouring into her, awakening parts of herself she had thought faded with heartache and grief.

Astonished by the change their contact induced on her, she found herself abandoning the familiarity of his orbs, instead staring into the rich blue of his button down.

Her best friend seemed to have decided to let this play out.

He could probably sense she is going through some kind of revelation.

He is great like that.

Still, he was not quite prepared when in one smooth motion, Zoey placed her hands on either side of his face, and tilted her head up to meet his lips in a kiss. Max was indeed not prepared at all, but still, it only took a split second for him to wrap his arms around her torso to keep her close, to keep her with him. It was instinctual, the loving way in which he always seemed to hold her, the delicate nature his hugs always carried. He touched her like she was precious. Zoey could sense some hesitation on his part, but his dread was unnecessary. Really, she wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else right now. 

It started soft and sweet but the way they seem to fit had Zoey twisting her fingers into the fabric of Max's, no doubt expensive, shirt. With her eyes closed, Zoey slid her other hand up to the back of his neck and took hold of his hair.

The skin beneath her hands felt warm, exactly like it’s owner, and the wonderful smell of his cologne seemed to surround her like a cozy sweater.

Prompted by all that, she held him tighter, pulled him closer. Zoey felt Max's muscles tense in response, and before she had a chance to register what's happening or how this situation had suddenly shifted, her best friend was even closer. He pushed against her body, opening his mouth and inviting her inside with his tongue.

She released a soft surprised gasp that seemed to bring his clarity back. In a split second the kiss was broken. Max stepped back, his hands holding her upper arms.

“Why did you do that?” He sounded unsure, a bit scared even.

Now that won’t do.

Back against the wall, head spinning and heart thundering; she smiled. Now she had an answer. Rising upon her toes, she leaned her forehead against his and declared her feelings confidently.

“Because I felt like it.” Bewilderment was still clear in his expression, but at least his eyes showed some willingness to hear her out.

“Max listen, I know we have a lot to talk about and we…” Zoey found herself cut off by the bathroom door opening and Tobin walking in.

He waved at them like this is a completely customary occurrence. Both of them followed him with their eyes until he entered the stall and when he did they burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Honestly, only the two of them could pull something like this off. 

When the almost uncontrollable urge finally seemed to dissipate, they shared what Zoey affectionately labeled one of ‘their looks’.

It used to happen (the past tense made her heart shrink a little) when they needed to communicate non verbally. They have always been good at that, until lately that is.

Max was still an expert at it, if she was to take into consideration the impromptu duet moment and the way he silently walked by her side while they went back to their desks.

Their hands brushed a grand total of two times (she is totally not counting) and the secret smile on the brunette’s face made her want to keep him exactly like this forever.

In that moment, she made herself a promise, to protect what they share (whatever that may be) come what may.

She thinks she is getting the hang of this epiphany thing, if she does say so herself.

\---------------------------------»---------------------------------------------------»-----------------------------------

Zoey found it hard to focus on work right now. It was definitely more than the flashes of blue she got everytime Max moved at his desk or the way he made her giggle when he scrunched his nose in that cute way of his, each time their eyes met.

She almost felt tempted to say they were back to their normal selves but that would be a huge disservice to the blooming tenderness in her chest. The one that appeared to get stronger and stronger whenever the other coder stole a glance at her and her shy smile decided to give up on ever leaving her face. It would be an especially colossal disservice to the flushed cheeks she tried to hide away, when thoughts of their passionate kiss refuse to leave her mind.

The touch of his long fingers was imprinted on her memory, the silky feel of his hair echoed on her skin and made the tips of her fingers tingle.

Nonetheless, not all could be blamed on Max Richman and his charming ways or the disastrous glitch in her powers.

What was haunting her right now, was of her own doing. She needed to talk to Simon.

Reflecting extensively upon each and every little thing had always been her go-to, but this day seemed set on proving to her that when she followed her instincts and inner truths, and refused to give in into subterfuges and excuses, her life flowed better (at the expense of her dignity, sure, but hey you can’t have it all).

Her intuition (she didn’t even know she had one!) was telling her what to do next and this time she was gonna listen to it.

With that in mind, she got up and headed to the desk closest to hers. Max was engrossed, not focused exactly though, as she rested her hand on his strong (his buffness is getting less and less secret these days and she is not complaining) shoulders. That made him turn around.

He softened when he caught sight of her. She kinda liked it.

“Hey, what’s up?” His greeting was gentle, accompanied by the same smile he was wearing when she sang to him.

“Hey you. I am here to tell my best friend something.”

At her words, Max’s smile deflated. She could see the emotions flash across his face: alarm, dread, hurt and finally resignation. He straightened his shoulders and nodded.

“I am gonna go and talk to the morally questionable and totally engaged guy and apologize for that entire performance. And then, I am going to let him know I don’t intend on pursuing anything of the sort with him. Not only because he is ‘totally engaged’, but because that is not what I want.” Before he has the chance to react she added. “I need you to know I was listening to you when we were in the bathroom earlier. I am not gonna repeat the same mistakes again, Max. You are my best friend, first and foremost, and that means you should always know what’s going on with me and you should know it first hand. I am sorry that has not happened lately. I can’t promise you I will always be perfect and tell you everything right away, but I can promise you I am gonna try. And that starts now.”

The fond look he threw her way makes her want to listen to her intuition more often.

“What can I do?” he asked, ever the gentleman.

“Don’t go anywhere?” she pleaded.

They both knew she was referring to more than physical permanence. She wanted reassurance that he won’t let his mind wander to dark places, that they will be exactly where they are now when she comes back.

“I’ll be right here.” He replied tenderly.

\----------------------------------»--------------------------------------»-------------------------------------

As she walked towards Simon’s office, something finally clicked inside her admittedly very chaotic mind. The man Zoey had been getting close to lately, may have understood grief, but he didn’t comprehend her grief.

It sounded like an insignificant distinction but it wasn’t, not for her. There was a reason why she had yet to share the news of her father’s worsening condition with her grief buddy. Maybe she could discuss what losing a father feels like with Simon but could she really discuss losing hers? Simon knew what it was like to lose a fatherly figure but he couldn’t possibly grasp the concept of losing Mitch Clarke. Her hero, her shelter. He couldn’t possibly know how the memory of him calling her ‘his pumpkin’ left a bittersweet aftertaste every time she thought about it. It was impossible to explain to him they were losing a father, a friend, a husband and a role model, while he was still here. That Mitch was barely a shadow of what he had once been.

The only way for Simon to be able to perceive that concept in a vaguely intelligible way, was if he had known Mitch before.

His passion, his kindness, his humor, his flame…

It seemed unlikely that Simon could ever understand, or even imagine her not wanting to spend time with her dying dad because he lost his own so suddenly. She was losing hers painfully slowly and sometimes that pain was so excruciating that her heart refused to face who he no longer was. The heartsongs had been a blessing in that regard, but even that sounded too personal and deep to share with him. So, maybe their connection really was shallower than she had allowed herself to believe.

It was real, nonetheless, and she would like to preserve it. But, perhaps not in the way she originally intended.

With that thought in mind she let herself into the modern looking, glass enclosed office.

“Okay, so, um, do you want to know what that was before with the song?” she asked.

“I'm not exactly sure why you sang it, but sure looked and sounded like you want me to want you. Is that what you were going for there?” Simon was clearly trying to be goofy about it, and while she appreciated the sentiment, it was time to face the music (pun so not intended - she was so done with music today it wasn’t even funny).

“If I sang it, I must have meant it.” she uttered in the spirit of trying to be truthful without giving too much away.

“That's a strange way to phrase that. Um... I'm confused. I thought there was nothing between us. We decided there was nothing between us, and now I don't know what to think.”

Straight to the point then. As her life was very strange, Zoey reserved the right to phrase accordingly (thank you very much), especially since he didn’t know the half of it. But there were definitely things he needed to know, and the time was now.

“Maybe I do have residual feelings for you, feelings that I can't just lie about. Those feelings are not something I am proud of. And the reason for that, is I know for a fact they are a perversion of what our connection is about. They were born out of grief and sorrow and I would like to think we deserve more than that.”

She paused momentarily to check in on him. Zoey was glad to find understanding in the lines around his mouth and sympathy in his dark eyes. That gave her the final push to conclude. “Simon, I don’t wanna lose what could be a great friendship, for a spark of something rooted mostly on circumstance and escapism. Pursuing this any further would be a mistake and only result in pain on both sides. I want us to look back at this moment and see it for what it is. The moment we decided to choose healing over self-indulgence. So there you go. Now you know. Hey, that rhymed.” she smiled awkwardly exceedingly aware of how unnecessarily deep that had been. She hoped his confusion had dissipated, as she really couldn’t see herself being any clearer.

“I am glad you decided to tell me that.” Zoey felt relief wash over her at his words. Simon had become someone she cared deeply about and she liked to keep the small group that fitted that description close by.

“That song was incredibly hot,not gonna lie.” He smiled teasingly and her cheeks flushed immediately (where was that ticket to Indonesia again?) “Yeah, that moment in particular kind of tripped me and that was messing with my head. I guess I was perverting what we share, like you said, so I appreciate you coming here and setting the record straight. I agree we deserve more than that and I don’t wanna lose our connection over some misguided romantic endeavour.”

“So … we’re good. Friends? ?” she asked just to be sure they were in the same page.

“Yup, good and most definitely still friends.”

Simon offered her his thousand watt smile and she replied to the best of her ability. Now, it was time for her to go, she still needed to talk to Joan about Leif’s snakey ways.

“I need to go now”

He nodded, his smile never wavering.

\---------------------------»--------------------------------------------»----------------------------------

Between her talk with Joan, (she had a feeling she could NOT stop whenever she wanted to, AT ALL) all the Chirp’s problems, and Tobin’s existential crisis, the rest of the day passed in a blur.

When Zoey finally had a moment to herself, the weight of everything that she had been adamant to shelve till later, hit her like a train.

The most important man in her life was dying, the medication had stopped working and she was one step closer to having to live in a reality where her father no longer existed.

Zoey felt like she could burst into tears at any moment. Well if she was going to, she might as well do it with whom she always felt safest. She spinned around in her chair determined to go and track him down. Apparently, Joan had called him into her office, no doubt to reprimand him further on the importance of ‘keeping your boss informed about impromptu duets’. 

As if he had been summoned, Max seemed to materialize in front of her. Before Zoey had the chance to speak, he crouched down in front of her and held her smaller hands in his large ones, assessing her like he was looking for injuries

“Hey, why is your mom asking me if you're okay?”

“She texted you?” 

“Yeah.” He replied while his thumb caressed the back of her hand. “She said she's called a few times. She wants you to call her back.” 

Her mother had called her throughout the day, and Zoey kept telling herself she was gonna text her back when she could come up with an answer that wasn’t a complete lie or wasn’t going to make her even more worried. At some point, it had apparently slipped her mind.

“Oh, I lost track of time, I’ll call her back in a second”

“Zo, what’s going on? She sounded really worried and you sound like you are about to break down crying” He squeezed her fingers as if he was reassuring her he was there to listen to her, hold her, and shield her from whatever was hurting her.

That made the last of her walls come down and the words desperately tumbled out of her mouth. 

“My father only has a few weeks left.” Desperate to find solace in the stability he always offered her she resumed. “That feels so weird to say. We found out this morning. Or at least I think it was this morning. This day just keeps going and going and going.” She felt the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks and she wasn’t sure if she could hold them any longer. She didn’t know if she wanted to either.

“Zoey, I'm so sorry.” He reached up and caressed her cheek tenderly.

Something about his touch made her tears finally fall freely.

“And when the doctor told me, I just… I ran away. I couldn't face it. And now I'm supposed to go home so we can all talk about it. I don't know how to be around him. I don't know what to say. I don't know how I'm supposed to look him in the eye. I don't...I don't think I can do it.” she confessed

“Yes, you can.” Max announced, like there was no doubt on his mind about it. His faith in her was flattering but misplaced. She was such a mess.

Max got up and pulled on her hands until she stood. Then he proceeded to pull her into his chest. Circling her arms around his waist, she let herself unwind from the rollercoaster the day had been. He held her tight and murmured softly into her hair. 

“I know you can.”

“Were you even here today?” 

“Were you?” he inquired looking down into her teary eyes.“Cause here's what I saw. All day long, you were laying down truths to everyone, Joan, Leif, Danny Michael Davis, me, Simon. And guess what? You made it through. You didn't get fired. Nobody hates you.” 

Well, when he put it like that, it sounded almost simple. That was one of Max Richman’s greatest abilities, always able to simplify even the hardest of situations. He had a way of breaking things down to such a structural level that it was almost impossible to argue with it.

“I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on singing out loud like this.” she buried her head in his chest wishing she could hide there permanently. That wasn’t an option though.Thankfully the beat of his heart soothed her in an inexplicable way.

Max stepped back making her face him once again.

“Isn't the whole point of your powers to help people face things they don't want to face? Maybe everything that happened today is the Universe telling you you need to stop avoiding it and go face your father. You've got this.”

There was so much she wanted to say to him. How she had wanted to tell him everything in the morning, how she still wanted to share with him all the shenanigans her powers had landed her in, how ecstatic she was she finally could, and mostly how she wished she could kiss him right now and remain in his arms. But she had to deal with the elephant in the room first, so she blinked the tears away and nodded.

He smiled sadly. “Come on, I’ll drop you off.”

\-------------------------------»-----------------------------------------»--------------------------------

When Max parked his Audi in front of her parent’s house, she was still scared. However, it was no longer big enough to keep her away from her family and their suffering.

It was hard to leave the comfort of his presence, but they both knew today was not the day for unexpected visitors - even if Max was practically a member of the family.

There was only one more thing she needed to do before she went in.

Unbuckling her seat belt, Zoey leaned towards Max, vocalizing what had been on her mind since their kiss.

“Max, I know we still have a lot to talk about, and I am so glad we will have the opportunity to do that. But, I need to make something clear. I kissed you because that was the only thing on my mind when I realized I never wanna find out what it would be like to live without you. I have no idea what that means for us going forward, but I don’t regret it one bit.”

The way his smile crinkled the sides of his beautiful mouth made her heartbeat hammer in her chest.

The brunette held her hands in his once more, and kissed her knuckles lightly.

“I was hoping we could figure that out together” 

Was screaming yes at the top of her lungs too excessive? Perhaps. With that in mind, she decided to settle on something that wouldn’t clash too much with the intimate atmosphere around them.

“I would like that a lot.”

  
  
  



End file.
